Gastric Bypass Surgery

Today has been a bit better than yesterday. I have a severe backache though; apparently it is an unexplainable after effect of having key-hole surgery. I watched a DVD with friends this morning and then went to my schools leaving assembly for a fellow colleague. It is only a 20 minute drive, but I was well knackered when we arrived there. I found it very difficult to move around out small school. Broke out in a hot sweat and had heart palpitations. Luckily my housemate went with me and he got me home safely. I went to Holland and Barrat to get a dissolvable multi vitamin and was surprised to only find vit c in this form. So my mom will send some barocca in the mail tomorrow from South Africa.I have bought some soft cheese triangles and had 3 of them today with the milk lollies and the juice and water. I had funny tummy today. So am not sure if it is the cheese, but I feel less shaky and dizzy so I guess it is deciding what I can cope with. I had to pack for Spain – never thought that packing could me so tired!!! I hope that I will cope with the heat of Spain. Stuart might be disappointed in me and how much I can cope with. I look ok, but don’t feel it. I find it difficult to explain to people. They think that the worst – the operation – is done and over with, but little could prepare me for how I feel now!

I think I have hit some lows. It is a mayor adjustment not only for my body but also physically. I constantly feel nauseous and the smell of food makes it worse. I feel lightheaded and shaky and found it very difficult to do a 10 minutes walk to my GP this morning. I have found some little milk ice lollies that I can stomach. My emotions are all over the place and the adjustment is more difficult than people realise. This is perhaps something they need to talk to you about before you have the operation. I would have appreciated some honest and frank discussion about what to expect afterwards. It is a big emotional struggle at the moment. I know that in a couple of weeks I will feel different, but at this moment I am not sure that feeling this bad is worth the money and the effort I have gone through. I know I have a lot of extra reserves but not having anything nutritious is taking a toll on my physical and mental stability. I can not stomach soup or yogurt. I find eating iced things easier. What have I gotten myself into?

Today I am feeling a bit crap really. I can not say that I am in any serious pain. But there is this uncomfortable feeling on my stomach, well actually just behind my breast bone where my new stomach is. It feels like there is a massive rock lying there. My brain is telling me that I need something to eat to sustain me but I can’t eat anything. I have had 30 ml of Petit Filous Frube Tubes. And I am drinking loads of water sipping at it slowly. I also like sipping on double shot glasses of Orange Juice (Tropicana Smooth) it tastes good and I think I will stick with this for a while. Apple juice my favourite is to sweet at the moment. The nurse from Healthier weight says I do not have to worry about eating (liquid stuff like soup, milked down yoghurt ect.) as long as I keep the fluids up. Lots of little bits of water / juice.I am going to sleep some more know. I am knackered.

We leave for Manchester at 13:30. Plenty of time to arrive on time. But as all things go on London’s highways the traffic is horrible. The Fathers for Justice Protester on the M25 has cause closure of some lanes. The merging of the highways at Birmingham and the Creamfields festival has caused severe delays and I only arrive at the hospital at 7. The staff is extremely friendly and efficient.  A doctor comes to take my bloods, the normal routine stuff. Blood sugar tests and blood pressure tests. I have a massive room. There is no bed for Stuart and they can not find him one either. He is assigned room no 21 to sleep in. I don’t like this. He is the one thing that is keeping me from not running away. As I was walking to reception from the car I kept on asking myself what the hell I am doing.I am getting really scared now and cry loads throughout the rest of the evening. Stuart gets into my little bed with me and cuddles me till 1:30 in the morning. He must be knackered. He goes to sleep in his bed and I drift in and out of sleep every 20 to 30 minutes. I wake up at 6:30. I know I am first on the theatre list. I immediately feel like crying and phone Stuart. He is here within seconds and lies with me in my bed. I drift of and sleep for 30 minutes before the nurse comes and tell me to get ready. I meet the anaesthesiologist, he is cool and calm, very friendly and I feel at ease after seeing him. I then get to see my surgeon Dr. Amorri. He oozes of confidence and looking in his eyes I feel ok. We go through the forms and sign on the dotted line. I have a shower, wash my hair and put on this extremely “sexy” paper knickers, green gown and stockings to prevent blood clotting. Soon the porter appears and I have to go. Stu hugs me and a few tears are shed. The personnel here are amasing, even the porter tries tells me I’ll be ok.  I walk to the theatre and feel a bit like a cow on the way to the slaughter house. The nurse cracks a few jokes about piercings in weird places and makes me laugh. I meet the anaesthesiologist nurse, a very nice guy who makes light conversation. I get the butterfly needle in the back of my hand and an oxygen mask. The he asks me to open my eyes but I can’t. I don’t think I had to count backwards from 10 like they do in the movies. I wake up with someone telling me they are taking me back to my room now. I just want to see Stuart and it feels like it takes for ever. I get to my room and manage to open my eyes, see him and feel assured. I ask him to phone my parents. Then I sleep. I know I felt very nauseas; they give me something through the drip. It wears of as time goes by.  I have a self medicating morphine button. I use it sparingly. In between all of this I had a wash sat up and went back to bed again. They monitor my statistics every 2 hours. Perhaps it is good that Stu has his own room. I am only allowed little sips of water 60mls per hour. Not that I can manage much more. I am not hungry at all and don’t have anything but water on Saturday. I have to inject myself some blood thinning medication into my stomach. It does not hurt at all. You just simply do not feel it. All is well and stable. I have to take these dissolvable tablets twice a day for six months, they are anti-acid and will prevent ulcers forming on my stomach lining. I am not allowed to get my dressings wet for 10 days till I go for my follow up consultation in London. I need to wear these lovely green stockings for 2 weeks and I am not allowed to drive for 10 days (in case I need to do an emergency brake).For lunch on Sunday I have some vile tasting soup, I think it is oxo or Bovril mixed with water! And some red jelly. I have a couple of spoons full of soup and a spoon of the jelly. That is all I can manage for now. I am sipping on cold apple juice as I am typing this. I just saw my doctor and he says I can go home tomorrow (Monday) I hope I get to see the people from healthier weight soon so I can leave early tomorrow morning. I have amasing little pain considering what I have done to my intestines! I am looking forward to what’s to follow.

Ok so the big day before the big day has arrived. I have decided to do half a days work to help get the time go by before we have to leave for Machester.I can say without a doubt that I am getting very nervous about what lies ahead. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotional turmoil I am going through. Leaving work today, I had to really fight my emotions as I said goodbye to my assistants. I had one hug and then just left with a general goodbye, fighting not to burst out crying like a baby.I have a massive knot in my stomach and I can’t help but wonder what the hell possessed me as I am packing my suitcase. I do not feel like Brave Heart at the moment more like Scardy Cat! But his time tomorrow it should be done and over with. A thought that is slightly reassuring, less than 24 hours to go! Now that is enough to make me want to run. I know that this is the beginning of a new life for me and my partner. I keep on telling myself that the health benefits is making this worth while and also the fact that when I get married in a couple of years time I will not look like a meringue waddling down the isle. I wish we as humans could just push a button that stops you from experiencing emotion, so you become robot like. I do not want to be a wuss. But I am sure as they push me on the trolley tomorrow they’ll be transporting a whaling whale! When I write again I will have had the op. I am looking forward to doing it!

So today was the start of the Pre-op diet. First of all I had a wicked weekend in Edinburgh. We saw some good shows, had some good food and some good company. It all ended a bit tits-up when our flight got delayed and we only got home in the wee hours of the morning. Thus resulting in me being quite tired and cranky when I woke up this morning.So I started out being all positive about only eating fruit and vegetables for the next 5 days. A task that seems effortless if you think about it but it is much more difficult in reality. I stopped at M&S and forked out a little fortune on nice quality fruit. Had some at school for breakfast and lunch. By 3:30 I felt shaky and had no energy. I ended up phoning the consultation room and they said I could have soup, just to make sure that is not creamy and low-fat. So I opted for a packet of soup, something I have not done ever! It actually tasted ok and I added some sweet corn to the chicken soup. It tasted a bit salty which is worrying as this diet is to reduce the volume of your live to make the surgery easier.I have bought some papaya as I find that quite filling and think I might be slightly better prepared tomorrow. As for the ever nearing surgery, I am slightly crapping myself. Reality of what I am about to do has knotted my stomach anyway so maybe I should run!  But that is not an option as the full amount has now been paid. Done!I hope my boyfriend will be able to cope with this moody me at the moment and so my work colleagues. I am sorry…..

I am not sure where all of this sentiment is coming from! Where I have been able to talk about this operation quite openly and in great detail, I now get very emotional and feel very beleaguered. I am not sure if I am stressed about this operation and if I am just plain frightened. It is two very different emotions.
We went out for dinner with friends last night, but I have also noticed this on a few other occasions, that when the conversation turns to this topic, I get a bit knotty and almost reluctant to talk about it. I now just need support from people not question whether it would have been cheaper in another country and what about other options.
It is also difficult when you have new people in the group who think you are just a fat girl who should diet and exercise. Maybe my perception of comments made or advise offered if you want to call it that, is wrong but hey idiot do you honestly think that I will just spend £11 000-00 on an operation if I did not feel that this the absolute last resort. I am tired of trying to justify myself to newcomers and other people who look at things with tunnel vision. It is in the end my decision and what I do with my life is of no concern to any one else but my loved ones!
I am spending this weekend in Scotland; it will be good to get away from it all. A lot of comments some very good some not so nice, has been made about what I will look like after this procedure. I am very aware of the fact that I will probably need body contouring surgery done after my weight loss. I do not know what size I will turn out to be. No I do not want to get down to a size 6 or 8. I am not in this for the looks, although it will be great to look good skinny, I look good anyway. I take good care of myself and I am pretty.
Now please can you stop the second inquisition and the gossiping where I am concerned and just support me ~ it is all I ask!

It feels like yesterday that I still had 8 weeks to the operation and now it is only 10 days to go. I have to be in hospital by 18:00 on the 15ht for pre-operation tests. They have not told me what time I will have my procedure done, I do hope it is very early in the morning so that I do not have to wait around. Not sure if my nerves can handle it!So it has been a while since I wrote on my blog. There is not much happening except for waiting for the day to come. In between my last entry and today I have been to Paris with my boyfriend to celebrate my birthday. We had a lovely time. So this is the last week of eating ‘normal’ for me for the rest of my life. I suppose now that I think about it the realisation of what I am about to do is settling in. Coming from a Southern Hemisphere Country, meat is a big part of my diet. I think becoming vegetarian for 4 weeks might be a tall order, but we’ll see how I go! I have received very thoughtful gifts like gift vouchers for clothing stores as I will need them soon! I have been trying to imagine myself being skinny; it is very difficult to do. My house mates say they think I look a bit like Katie Holmes…. Big complement as I think she is very pretty. It is insane and it does not feel real. My internet friend said it is amazing looking in the mirror and seeing herself and not a round football. I can so relate to that. It is like when you get all dressed up an look at yourself in the mirror and you see your face, it is pretty and dolled up. You hair is looking great and you look ok in the mirror if you look at it full length, just you have one of those that actually make you look better than you do, and the light in your bedroom is forgiving. You feel pretty and hot and ready to have a good time. Then you catch a side glimpse of yourself in the shop window or in the elevator or maybe someone stares at you or you perception is that they are staring at you and you loose that great feeling. I do not have a fat person inside my body. I am not sure if this makes sense to you reading it?Lately I have found myself sitting on a bench with my boyfriend or driving in the car seeing other big people and asking him “do I look like that”? It is amazing what your own perception is of yourself and what it reality. I don’t think I lived in reality because I would not be able to cope with it.  I have been going through my photo’s. There is no full length photo on my PC of me. Looking on facebook there are some photos of me that I hate. It is only when you look at them that reality hits you KAPOW right in the stomach! I am beautiful but I deserve a better quality life – this operation will give me that. Therefore I am brave and going for this, Guns Blazing. The fact that I am scared beyond believe is not a factor. I will wake up on the morning of the 16^th and a new, better life will begin for me. I am so grateful to have Stu. He is been such a big support to me. He is the one who is coping with all the emotions behind the scene who holds me when I cry and reassures me. When he takes my hand and look me in the eye I know it will be ok. The future is bright for us… I can’t wait for the rest of my life to begin!